Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Echo's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
2:12 am	"I cut myself off from them, all of them. I knew I was going to lose some of them and I didn’t… You know what? I’m still making excuses. I’ve always cut myself off, I’ve always… being the Slayer made me different but it’s my fault I stayed that way. People are always trying to connect to me but I just… slip away." Buffy (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 11th, 2004
2:53 am	sex video tapes make me gag... Anyway... I realized today if people would EXPLAIN THINGS TO ME, VERY CLEAR, NOT VAGUE MAYBE I'd BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THINGS... AND NOT BE ABLE TO MAKE THINGS UP IN MY HEAD. THIS ISNT ANYONES FAULT. I JUST HATE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME HATE THEM, WHEN I DONT WANT TO HATE THEM. I UNDERSTAND THE GETTING OVER SOMEONE PART, TRUST ME... AND THEN I ALSO UNDERSTAND THE... never really leaving them alone part.... OBSESSING OVER THEM, I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE THE FEELINGS ARE STILL THERE, and they get thrown INTO MY FACE all the time. YOU ARE RIGHT I SHOULD NOT READ, BUT HOW can't I???? WHEN I love to hurt myself???? ITS SO STUPID...... I relate so much, but if youre friends why isn't it on both ends yet?? I know it takes forever to get over someone...... I KNOW VERY VERY well...... "so when will you marry me and dump the bimbo? the brunette bimbo hehe" WHATS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN??? DIRECTED TO ME??? You say no I call you a liar...Whatever... ALL I KNOW... IS U N C O M F O R T A B L E....Is A BIG WORD IN MY BOOK.....TOO B.I.G......... I'm glad what happened on July 4th happened, cause if someone showed up I would of drowned in the ocean, no more staring into the sea with tears, your suppose to hold me, and whipe them away... We're forever. I do know one thing, oh shut up ..... hahahahaha Gosh I'm so inlove thats why I'm so insane... HUMANS AREn'T MADE FOR THIS KINDA LOVE... IT MAKES YOU GO INSANE... LET IT GO DEEPER.... Im READY FOR EVERYTHING that rhymed some how..... I want you to find this just like i found Tinfoil.... if you feel a distance ever that has nothing to do with our love.. I have jealousy boiling in me more then ever......... UNDERSTAND where we're both coming from.... I just get scared.... THIS NEVER EVER HAS HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE... I WAS THE FIRST ALWAYS.......xBxCxPxCx HOPEFULLY THE FUTURE WILL BE BETTER WITH THE WAR BETWEEN US GURLS.... but from my side I can't........ she loves you...and I love you..... You love us...... I never want to destroy any of that....the hole "i'll be at your wedding" gives me flash backs of ANYA AND Xander's wedding..... hopefully by then she's over it, I just feel like something is missing.... I did everything with Evil one everything.. he was my first love... I'll never forget him, I pretty much spent 5 new years eve's with him even when we wheren't together...... Things change for everyone.... We grew apart. But we still talk, but we're not best friends... I think its hard..... being best friends with your first love... I always feel like I would hurt him.... "wanna come to my wedding Chris?" I think that would kill him....... I don't know why But it would..... I write in here because I don't want her to see, i only want you to see.... I want you to see my view....... not to hurt anyone... I just need to deal, and I can't deal with silence, being quiet not writing....... it hurts. THIS JUST PROVES HOW REAL THIS IS.... "LOVE MAKES YOU DO THE WACKY"- Spike <3 THIS IS THE BEST LOVE IN THE WORLD... heheheheheheheh I love how NUTS I AM.. its CRAZY :-D JUST KNOW THIS IS THE JEALOUSY DEMON INSIDE OF ME I CAN'T HELP IT ITS NOT ME.. ITS NOT..... (Comment on this)
Friday, July 9th, 2004
8:13 am	horrible I had a dream I walked in on her and him kissing eachother goodbye.. And I was like "I didn't know people where that close when they said bye?" Then I started flipping out.... pushing him and him.. Screaming. FLIPPING OUT... Then i started walking about those two times she was at his house and How that PERSON told the truth to me when they said they had sex even when we where going out. And then after screaming and wanting to kill them, I went up to him and Said I LOVE YOU... ANd he was like you told everyone what I did...... and was all angry. And pushed me away..... GOD... IT HURT SO FREAKIN MUCH..... i remember someone in my dream saying... You didn't predict that did you??? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I want to scream......... it hurt me, for the ENTIRE DAY.... what scares me is when my dreams seem real, means they are true... (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 8th, 2004
10:07 am	Why does it feel like you hide? Why did you say it feels like I hide? That I'm never fully there...... I don't understand? I'm happier then I've ever been in my entire life.... I don't think you notice..... please notice............... my blood hurts.... I would be okay.. I know if I knew she wasn't so much inlove with you still.. note passing.........it burns...... i wanted to hurt so bad....... IT just kills me to know that I would be okay if something was different.. if she didn't write about how much she still loves you, and wants to be back with you.. Yesterday I thought one thing when you said she was over... I thought that STUPID comment she left about SEX IN THE CITY AND THAT STUPID NURSE DRESS.. THATS WHAT I THOUGHT CAUSE I'm FUCKING CRAZY..... I don't want to think these things PLEASE HELP ME..... PLEASE SOMEONE..... MAKE IT GO AWAY... (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 3rd, 2004
1:17 am	Dragons try to get him... too bad sorry too late...... Tears of the night.... makes me think of Angel's last steps.. I hope people realize when I hurt on the inside I Just want to hurt myself.... that's the truth .. What where those words you speak??? Yelling doesn't solve anything, I found that out about someone.. We yelled and yelled... I'll never ever ever do it again.... I'm sorry I can't fight.... no swords...... I'm sorry if I'm an inconvience..... (Comment on this)
Friday, July 2nd, 2004
10:17 am	Jealousy..is such a bitch...... I like how it hurts me so DAMN MUCH... AND NO ONE SEEM'S TO NOTICE..... WELL... maybe some people but.. IT REALLY DRIVES ME INSANE... I THINK I'm SLOWLY GOING MORE INSANE HERE... Its funny..... not its not... going some where soon...if i see her..the world will swallow me... I know I will... I feel it unders my skin....... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 30th, 2004
9:19 am	Fear Number 88 You mentioned today for the first time that you might have to move back....next month.... That scares me..... because then you'll be near her...and closer to her........away from me...far far away... I won't have you.....I will but she'll be able to see you anytime... Do you know that???? I think the fear will eat me alive..... I'm so afraid of long distance now, and I haven't had it since Phil.. And I know I fall apart...... I know I do...... I'm not that strong yet..... (Comment on this)
Monday, June 28th, 2004
2:00 am	oh well Mental problems...are such a .. STUPID STUPID STUPID THING....   "i used to have a lip stalker..but he was my boyfriend so that doesnt count haha....always squeezing them and playing with them"   i really dont care if you find this....or if anyone finds this.... THIS IS  MY FAULT RIGHT?! Its my fault..... its my fault I looked.. I looked.... why??????? because i have this thing inside me that feeds on pain so much and drives me fucking insane..... and I just want it to stop...and it stoped...it did..... until the phone calls and then it came back...... why am i so afraid??? why????? I BLAME THEM.... All of them for my pain....... I'm so happy and YET so fucking paranoid.. I don't want my lips touched.... i hate my lips..... STORMS LAST FOREVER.. THEY NEVER DIE, THEY NEVER GO AWAY, THEY ALWAYS COME BACK...... Always Just like the sun and the moon and the stars...    How do girlfriends deal with Ex girlfriends..past relationships..... Like.... what if you really want to be normal, and to not care.... But it seem's so impossible, that's all i want.... Why did everyone in the past hurt me so much?? To leave a scar this big.......Do you know I still see those scar's?? They're still there reminding me.. all the time...   I've got these scars that I'm hiding from times that I should have died....   I'm so happy now, I really am..... I love him so much, I don't want the demon to ruin anything...And I'll never let it....if it gets in the way...... HE means the world to me.. PLEASE Don't TAKE HIM AWAY... you take every single thing away from me... Just leave him be..... let us be happy forever...... LET ME FINALLY FIND WHAT I WAS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR and let it be......... I know I've asked before.... BUT I WANT THIS TO BE IT... THE ONE... BECAUSE IT IS.....   I leave this...not friends only because if Fate leads anyone here... it was ment to be......... oh well.... shoot me   From beneath you, it devours. (Comment on this)
1:37 am	Second time..... who?? what?? well.... we'll just see.... How come theres a demon inside of me? (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 26th, 2004
10:45 am	ring ring..... mystery unknown......person rings ..no message??? "I know who it is" Nothing...... why does the demon inside me let things hurt me???? why is there so much jealously? When there doesn't have to be!??? gosh..i hate me (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 24th, 2004
3:38 pm	figured out more.. I figured out the reason I'm still angry ..is because 1. her story is probably different then mine, and I know she talks to his mom about that, and that's why I'm pissed off. How would you feel if, you wanted your bf's mom to love you... When....a person that isn't that fond of you could of told her anything. See the people around me saw, everything.... They read.. They seen her games..... That is why I will remain in darkness..... I feel left out... always....no matter what... I hate this demon inside of me.. I just want to cut it off..... (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 20th, 2003
10:36 pm	Taking back Sunday "Bike Scene" I'll leave the lights down low so she knows I mean business And maybe we could talk this over Cause I could be your best bet Let alone your worst ex And let alone your worst... I wanna hate you so bad But I can't (but I can't) stop this anymore than you can So honestly, how could you say those things when you know they don't mean anything And you know very well that I can't keep my hands to myself, hands to myself I wanna hate you so bad But I can't (but I can't) stop this anymore than you can This is all wrong and it shows There's certain things I promised not to let you know, (I've got a silly way of keepin you up on the edge of my seat, I've got a silly way of keepin you up on the...) not to let you know I never let you, never let you, never... You've got this silly way of keeping me on the edge of my seat But you're only counting the clock against the train And I'm miserable, oh (I've got a silly way of keepin you up on the edge of my seat, I've got a silly way of keepin you up on the...) And you're just getting started I'm miserable, oh And you're just getting started You've got me right where you want me (let's never talk) Let's never talk, let's never, let's never talk about this again because... I didn't want it to mean that much to me I didn't want it to mean that much to me I didn't want it to mean that much to me I didn't want it to mean that much to me Anyway... yeah (I think this is some what How I feel maybe) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
10:20 pm	I wanna hate you so bad...but I can't....... My friend Kristin made a comment in my journal.. It said... ----i know how you feel darling... so many unfinished feelings are left over, i am the same way with paulo, its like i know i should get over him, and i know i would be better, but everything reminds me of him, and makes me want to be with him again, but don't worry, i think you will get over phil eventually, i dunno if being freinds with him would help, but i think opening up to collin (or someone else) as much as you did with phil will help, there is someone out there that will give you the same feeling as phil gave to you, you deserve that and i know you will find it eventually. ----- It really made me Cry....... Because it's the truth... I never opened up to any person in this world as much as I opened up to Phil... And Honestly no matter how safe I feel I don't think I could ever...... I honestly want to be with Collin but seriously the truth is I can't get close to him as I wish I could.. I can't....... Phil really killed me...... I know that Collin is great for me.... When I started this relationship with Collin I wasn't ready as I hoped to be... I wish I could have paused it so I could make my problems go away.. But I couldn't.. or I would have. I don't know........ Current Mood: uncomfortable Current Music: Taking back sunday (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 15th, 2003
9:33 pm	Can you see me now??! Colin and Me saw Willard today. It was pretty good. Now we're really bored... I really don't know what to do though.. Like seriously... There's not much to do. Yeah.... Well I just told Chris about Colin and me.... I was kinda afraid to. Why I don't know.... I guess because of the new years eve thing.... That kinda was bad.. It's weird how I'm still trying to fix the bad things in my life that still haunt me. I always will. It's something I can't control... Gotta fix them. Some how I don't thinK I'll ever be okay until Phil and me are friend's again. I'm really happy with Colin I love him to death. But I'm a kinda person that needs to fix all the bad.. Like... I wish more then anything that Chris and me could be friends because he was my best friend. See I still kinda talk to Tim and Ben they don't hate me. But Phil And Chris really seem to avoid talking to me and it hurts. I just wish I could forget....but I can't.... YEah I know Forget the past.. blah blah blah... I would if my mind let me. If I could go about everyday and not think about what still kills me everyday I would believe me. If I could never mention anyone's name's ever again I would in a heart beat. I could see how Colin would get upset... but the people I date become best friend's to me. And that's why. They where a big part of my life, actually at some points they were my life. I really have no idea what I'm trying to explain.. I'm insane.... I wonder.... -Megs- Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: T.a.T.U (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 18th, 2003
10:00 pm	I'm sitting here crying because of watching Buffy. I know that Willow, and everyone shouldn't have brought her back. But they needed her. It's really going to kill me. I seriously hope that I'll be okay...but I can't say that I won't give up for weeks.... because honestly.. It's kept me alive a lot of times, that I should of been dead. it'll kill me if they kill her again..... I can't go threw it again..... I know its a show.... But I love it..... it helps me survive in this stupid world. and now I lost it..... (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 13th, 2003
8:29 pm	Erikwattsrules: well, ya gotta try and turn that frown upside down PhyErWeRkS: someday i'll be in a coffin and i'll make sure they put my face smiling HAHAHA! (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 30th, 2003
9:17 pm	Healthy: Empathetic, compassionate, feeling for others. Caring and concerned about their needs. Thoughtful, warm-hearted, forgiving and sincere. / Encouraging and appreciative, able to see the good in others. Service is important, but takes care of self too: they are nurturing, generous, and giving — a truly loving person. At Their Best: Become deeply unselfish, humble, and altruistic: giving unconditional love to self and others. Feel it is a privilege to be in their lives of others. Average: Want to be closer to others, so start "people pleasing", becoming overly friendly, emotionally demonstrative, and full of "good intentions" about everything. Give seductive attention: approval, "strokes," flattery. Love their supreme value, and they talk about it constantly. / Become overly intimate and intrusive: they need to be needed, so they hover, meddle, and control in the name of love. Want others to depend on them: give, but expect a return: send double messages. Enveloping and possessive: the codependent, self-sacrificial person who cannot do enough for others — wearing themselves out for everyone, creating needs for themselves to fulfill. / Increasingly self-important and self-satisfied, feel they are indispensable, although they overrate their efforts in others' behalf. Hypochondria, becoming a "martyr" for others. Overbearing, patronizing, presumptuous. Unhealthy: Can be manipulative and self-serving, instilling guilt by telling others how much they owe them and make them suffer. Abuse food and medication to "stuff feelings" and get sympathy. Undermine people, making belittling, disparaging remarks. Extremely self-deceptive about their motives and how aggressive and/or selfish their behavior is. / Domineering and coercive: feel entitled to get anything they want from others: the repayment of old debts, money, sexual favors. / Able to excuse and rationalize what they do since they feel abused and victimized by others and are bitterly resentful and angry. Somatization of their aggressions result in chronic health problems as they vindicate themselves by "falling apart" and burdening others. Key Motivations: Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves. (Comment on this)
9:11 pm	(Comment on this)
Friday, January 3rd, 2003
11:19 pm	These are some of the signs and symptoms of depression that you should be aware of: Sadness (yeah) Loss of energy (yeah) Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness (yeah) Loss of enjoyment from things that were once pleasurable (yeah) Difficulty concentrating (yeah) Uncontrollable crying (yeah) Difficulty making decisions (yeah) Irritability (yeah) Increased need for sleep (yeah) Insomnia or excessive sleep (no) Unexplained aches and pains (yeah) Stomachache and digestive problems (sometimes) Decreased sex drive (uhmm) Sexual problems (no) Headache (yeah) Thoughts of death or suicide (yeah) Attempting suicide (kinda) Warning Signs of Suicide (yea?) Talking about suicide (killing one's self) Always talking or thinking about death Making comments about being hopeless, helpless, or worthless. Saying things like "It would be better if I wasn't here" or "I want out" Depression (deep sadness, loss of interest, trouble sleeping and eating) that gets worse A sudden switch from being very sad to being very calm or appearing to be happy Having a "death wish," tempting fate by taking risks. Visiting or calling people one cares about. (GEEZ I THINK WHOEVER WROTE THAT WAS WRITING THAT WITH ME IN MIND) HAHHAHHAH! Bipolar disorder or "manic-depressive" disease it is a mental illness that causes people to have severe high and low moods. People with this type of depression swing from feeling overly happy and joyful (or irritable), to feeling very sad (or overly happy). Because of the highs and the lows -- or two poles of mood -- the condition is referred to as "bipolar" depression. In between episodes of mood swings, a person may experience normal moods. The word "manic" describes the periods when the person feels overly excited and confident. These feelings can quickly turn to confusion, irritability, anger, and even rage. The word "depressive" describes the periods when the person feels very sad or depressed. Because the symptoms are similar, sometimes people with bipolar depression are incorrectly diagnosed as having major depression. Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder The severity of the depressive and manic phases can differ from person to person, and in the same person at different times. During manic periods, people with bipolar disorder may: Be overly happy, hopeful, and excited Change suddenly from being joyful to being angry and hostile Behave in strange ways and have odd beliefs, Become restless, Talk rapidly , Have a lot of energy and need less sleep , Believe they have many skills and powers and can do anything, Make grand plans Show poor judgment, such as deciding to quit a job, or spending excessive amounts of money Become headstrong, annoying, or demanding , Become easily distracted Abuse drugs and alcohol ,Have a higher sex drive Some patients can become psychotic, seeing and hearing things that aren't there and holding false beliefs from which they cannot be swayed. In many instances they see themselves as having superhuman skills and powers. During depressive periods, people with bipolar disorder may: Feel empty, sad, or hopeless Feel guilty, worthless, or helpless Cry often Lose interest in things they usually enjoy, including sex Be unable to think clearly, make decisions, or remember things Sleep poorly Lose or gain weight Have low energy Abuse drugs and alcohol Complain of headaches, stomachaches, and other pains Become focused on death Attempt suicide (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 17th, 2002
9:37 pm	I just got done watching Buffy. Buffy and the Gang always make me feel like me. They help me, they make me feel like I belong. I feel like I don't fit no where..... I can't even find someone who wants to be with me. How can I keep going ? It's getting so impossible. I'm doing worse then I've ever been in my life. They keep saying it'll get better it's been 5 months. I just got really scared because eveything going on right now i my room..whats on tv...my conversation with Melinda....everything I had a dream about it. I've been crying for hour's.... The way I'm Feeling isn't right at all....... I dont even want to wake up in the morning........... If Buffy Goes away..... I don't know what I'll do... I need it... Inside I just want my Phil back , just the support of him being my friend... THe real Phil...the one who loved me....... I know...... :-( x-mas and new years is GOING TO BE BEYOND BAD THAT I'm SO AFRAID... What is wrong with me seriously? why do the people I like want nothing to do with me? Why does it hurt so much? (Comment on this)